so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize