she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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