Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
