oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
