yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
