I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
