was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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