I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
