apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
