Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
