I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
