my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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