she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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