I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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