you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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