just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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