Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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