Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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