I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
