why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
