Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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