I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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