You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
