Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
