I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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