I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
