he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
