apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You made out with two different species that night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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