Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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