i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Randomize
