Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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