Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
