Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
