I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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