Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
