farters have to be the big spoon...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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