i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
