Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
