Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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