i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
