we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In America we eat man semen.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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