the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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