The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
