WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
