my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
