just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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