Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
