I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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