Can i not drive my cunt home
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
