he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
