I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
