I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
