this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize