I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
