No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
