woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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