you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
