Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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