What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
