I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
