Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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