Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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