I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
