just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
