I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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