I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
