Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
