If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
